Thursday, September 22, 2011

The List

There is a list I sift through.

As mothers, we tend to worry about our children from the minute we find out we're pregnant. Can I do this or that while pregnant? Is it okay to eat this or that? What about that infamous glass of red wine we're allowed to have, is it truly okay? Then when they are born, phew, do our minds really get working. Is he/she breathing when they're asleep? They sleep on their stomach, is that okay? Is he/she getting enough to eat? Do they need me to hold them more? Am I holding them too much? It's never ending in our brains whether we realize it or not.

For me, it was all of those questions and then some. Every one of those questions, literally, kept me up at night. The worst of them all was the fear that his room would catch on fire. I never understood as to why I would think things of this magnitude. I've never thought about it with even myself in my own room being trapped like that. Post Partum Depression didn't help the situation. (I thank the Lord for getting the help I needed and conquering that as well.) Now it's a whole new set of questions that I constantly ask myself.

Is it wrong that he's not in Pre-K right now?
He doesn't recognize letters, is that bad?
He doesn't recognize numbers, is that okay?
Is it bad that he needs my help still to go to the bathroom?
He would rather sit to pee than that alright?

These are just things that are constantly going through my mind. Now he's on a kick of needing mommy, all over again. Does that make me a bad mom for taking up a babysitting job and concentrating on other children with him around? Does it make me a bad mother by having to lose time with him on Friday nights and Saturday mornings to go to school? Those two questions I know will be for the better in the long run, but it's still heart wrenching for myself to even THINK like that.

The final question for me is...IS IT NORMAL!? Is it normal to think like this? Is it normal that I don't know these answers myself? What will it take to not think about things like this.

I know he will learn to recognize his numbers and letters.
I know he won't miss out on not being in school right now.
I know he'll learn to go to the bathroom on his own.
I know he'll learn to pee while standing up.

You're asking, "if you know all this, then why stress?"
Because it's who I am. I'm a stressed out worried about my son, kind of mother.

Should get used to it right? I'll be worried about him for the rest of my life, I'm sure of it.


PS: I have 270 pictures on my phone of my son. Going to start posting them at the end of every post. Starting with Halloween, 2010 in Belle Chasse, LA (Lived there for 6 months)

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